Crawls back in with my tail between my legs...

Soooo, All the promises and good ideas of my last post got waylaid in the temptation of takeaways and toast.  I spent most of the last five months eating and now weigh a shameful 363lbs.  I've decided to sort myself out once and for all.

Any fat person will know that the thing that they spend most of their life worrying about is their weight.  Where can I get a new winter coat that will actually fit?  Do I dare try and squeeze myself on that ride in Blackpool?  If I suck my belly in like this will people not notice me?  Questions questions questions.  Being fat takes over your life.  You have two personalities, the real you, who you'd be if you weren't fat and the adipose that fills your mind with doubts and insecurities.

I need to start being me again.  Free from all thoughts of food.  I really do think it's a common misconception that fat people aren't aware of what they are eating.  LIES!!!  I know the calorific content of every food, from avocados to zucchinis (excuse the Americanism, I can't find any more "z" foods!)  My mind is constantly plagued with thoughts of, low carb, vs low fat and is it ok to eat this after 6pm on a leap year when it's a full moon!  I have diet overload.  Food overload! 

A scan of my kitchen cupboards reveals a ridiculous amount of foods from diets that have been and gone.  There are enough dried beans to feed the five thousand and sackfuls of vile vile porridge oats.  I think they remain from the Fat Smash.  Atkins has left me with a surplus of tuna and corned beef and I have enough vile, tasteless WW jellies to feed me until next year. 

Enough, I cried.  The cupboards have been shut and I'm going food free!  Food free you ask, what type of diet is that?!  I'm done with counting points, syns, carbs blah blah, I need to set the adipose free and just be me.  In order to do that I need to forget about feeding my face for a while.  Soooo I've decided to do a vlcd.  The Cambridge Diet is what its called.  I think I've mentioned it in the past, I've done it before, lost lots of weight but it wasn't for me at the time.  Something seems to have clicked this time round though and I'm ready to cleanse my mind of thoughts of food while casting this excess fat free.

Cambridge consists of various calorie controlled soups, shakes and bars which you have a certain amount of a day.  You can switch plans and include a small meal too if that is more convenient but I'm enjoying being a food free zone. 

I'm currently on day two and according to the little ketosticks I'm in ketosis.  I'm not hungry and feeling fine.  Long may this feeling last.

Cutting it out...

I've mentioned WeightWatchers before in the blog but not really discussed my reasons for choosing this diet when there are a million and one others out there.  Earlier I had a comment from a lovely lady called Echoburning.  She made a comment about the Atkins diet which made everything click, let me try and explain it.

I've talked about the million and one diets available.  I've probably tried about 99% of them.  Most of them worked... for a while.  They worked as long as I followed them to the letter and didn't deviate from the rules and regulations they stipulated.  These diets all work on a system of deprivation.  As long as you are "good" and stick to the rules you will lose weight.  However if you are "bad" and eat a forbidden food or make a couple of wrong choices then the pounds lost will come back twice as fast as they disappeared.

Banned!!!

The whole A-Z of diets from Atkins to the Zone work by cutting out a food group, brainwashing people into thinking a particular food is bad.  I've been a vegan and stopped eating all animal products.  I went through a phase of not eating white foods.  Most significantly I've spent the past couple of years on a variety of diets that banned carbs, some banned white rice, some all carbs all together, some forbade fruit and non of them allowed bread.  These type of diets are simply not sustainable for the long term.  The second you start to eat the banned foods then the weight will come knocking.

As a result I'm scared of carbs.  Its laughable isn't it.  A 6ft tall 25 stone Yorkshire lass who is terrified of a piece of bread.  I think the months spent on diets where carbs were forbidden made me crave them more.  I'm only human and that old saying about always wanting what you can't have is soooo true.  I can give or take chocolate, but put a loaf of fresh bread in front of me and I could inhale the whole thing in ten seconds flat.  I'd start a diet, deprive myself of carbs and crave them until I inevitably cracked.  I'd eat the bread, feel happy for a minute until the "why did I do this, I hate myself"  feelings would start.  I've spent years in this circle and needed a way out.

I think I've found my solution in WW.  Finally a diet where nothing is forbidden.  I love the fact that you can eat what you want as long as you monitor it through pro points.  I now need to work on the issues I've developed with carbs and learn to control myself when I eat them.  Fingers crossed x